Hitting the big three-oh

Those who know me well know that I don't expect much every July 27. I have given up on celebrating big since 2003 when the Oakwood Mutiny prevented my grandparents from celebrating with me. It mattered most because they were my only guests!

Celebrating the 30th birthday is supposed to be extra special. My friends celebrate theirs by going on solo trips or buying a huge purchase like a car! I envy them, I do, because now my husband and I only have enough to treat my family to a Korean dinner.

What's more difficult is the fact that even if it is my birthday, I am sharing the limelight with someone else – my son who just turned 2 months. Once a year na nga lang, may kaagaw pa ako sa eksena?

Then it hit me. I asked for this.

I remembered I was in the labor room, on my 13th hour in labor and I was looking at the clock. It was 10:15pm. "Konti nalang May 28 na", I thought. "With the rate my cervix is dilating, baka abutin pa ako ng bukas." I closed my eyes and whispered: "Anak, take your time, titiisin ni Mommy yung sakit. Pero kung okay lang, labas ka na ngayong 27. Para pareho tayo na 27 pinanganak." My son was born 11:08pm of May 27,2017.

No I'm not gonna say my son was the best gift I received because (1) that's such a cliche and (2) he's a blessing for Christian and me, I don't want him all to myself.

But I realized – my son has given me the gift I needed the most – the gift of maturity.

Being a mom suddenly gave me a new set of glasses to see the world. Ibang iba. Suddenly the world is so unsafe, unforgiving and at the same time, full of promises. Suddenly I understood people more. I am surprisingly more patient – something I was convinced I will never be until now.

Suddenly I felt how to be selfless. This little human drains all my energy and yet he's also the one who fully recharges me. He fills me up with so much joy, I can function with just 30mins of sleep! I think my son has given me superpowers too.

If I saved all the money we used from pregnancy to birth, I think I can buy myself a car for my 30th birthday. But for now, I thank God for a cake with a super lengthy dedication, and a two month old boy who is a source of priceless joy.

Choosing my Leadership Attitude

Leaders are not born, they are trained. For a hesitant leader like I am, it takes a lot of rigorous training. 

I have been a hesitant leader for as long as I can remember. I get nominated for class leader positions which I decline, always saying I am ‘busy’ with acads but really I’m scared if my classmates will acually follow me. I remember in high school, I was a freshman and was pushed by the teachers to run for student council president against 2 seniors! I said yes for the sake of it but I was happy I didn’t win. Yes there are still doubts but the fact that it is always happening makes me think – baka nga meron akong potential?

Fast forward to now, as a child of a business owner, I am once again caught in a position of leadership – a position by default. My mom, perhaps feeling the company is getting steady, expresses her desire to turn over the management to me. Now her tone is on the humorous side but it gets more serious every conversation. 

Looking at my cards, I have to choose if I will play the tyrant or the queen of hearts. 

It is not that easy. You see, people follow a person either thru fear or respect. My mom, the current CEO/President, has both. She’s respected because she has 20+ years experience in management and she’s feared because she owns/started the company. 

I, on the other hand, have nothing.

I cannot collect 20+ years of management experience instantly to gain other people’s respect. I was hoping I graduated cum laude with a course related to food and beverage but I don’t have that either. I would want to use respect as a rod to make people follow but I think I can’t establish it fast enough.

Tyrrany on the other hand is easy to project. I can just shout and hurl objects whenever I’m dissatisfied and voila! People will follow. My mom is a tyrant. She uses the fear factor more than the respect factor in management and honestly, she’s able to make the company grow big as it is now. The tyrant technique may sound bad, but it works. Think Hitler, Marcos… It deters inefficient, cunning, underperforming employees. Instilling fear may be the best shortcut for me but I don’t know if I can ‘maintain’ it. It gets tiring to always be angry. 

I thought writing it down could help me decide. Hindi parin pala. Mahirap parin. I’m not called to the stand yet, maybe, then, I would have chosen. We will see, will time make me a horrible? Or a loveable boss?